nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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