Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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