it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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