the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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