nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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