My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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