this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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