Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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