I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
