Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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