please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.