Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.