I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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