If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
