You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't turn off my feet"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?