Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.