he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
