Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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