i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
