Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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