This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
