I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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