you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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