Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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