I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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