Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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