i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
