your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
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A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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