just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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