I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize