I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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