Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
