those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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