Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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