Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
