his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.