all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
