i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
