So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
