When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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