I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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