you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my sisters under your porch take her home
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize