I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
accomplished twins. life is a go
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
