why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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