I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
