I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
