Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
