I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
