weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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