I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
