One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?