I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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