I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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